Sam & Dean: At The Root Of It 

                      By Lucy Mills                            

Before I start, I would like to note that I have no psychological credentials and only have an interest in it, so everything may not be in the correct or professional terms. This is purely my observation of the two characters and how I view how they behave. With that in mind, I will be mentioning topics that can be triggering, so this is my disclaimer. 

Sam and Dean Winchester: vessels, legends, and men who were doomed from the start.

Both of the boys had to learn how to be men very young. Sam was an infant being fed demon blood, while Dean was forced into being a soldier, parent, and brother at the same time. They lacked a connection with their father and had no chance at a relationship with their mother after her early death. John frequently went on hunts because he was obsessed with trying to find Mary's killer.

Dean had to cook for Sam, and the brothers were constantly on the road, unable to have any roots. This affected them both in different ways. Sam was quieter, as we see in "After School Special," Season 4, Episode 13, where he is bullied. Dean, on the other hand, became more guarded and built walls around himself, not allowing people to get too close because of the life they lived. Their childhood affected them immensely. The violence, isolation, living on the road, and being exposed to adult responsibilities created chronic stress and paranoia and shaped the way both brothers approached relationships, safety, and themselves.

      Dean Winchester: The Protective Soldier 

Starting with Dean, he is a protector who doesn't fully let others in. He uses coping mechanisms such as deflecting, humor, eating, and alcohol to cope with his trauma, but also with hunting life. He is constantly stuck in fight-or-flight, so much so that he has a weapon under his pillow. He also has a strong sense of duty, partly because of the hunting job, but also because John trained him to believe that everything is all or nothing. John took out his grief on Dean by making him into a soldier and a parent figure to Sam.

Dean struggles to accept help, even from his family, because John had made him this way: don't let people in; people die, and you might too because of their line of work. He tends to eat a lot of junk food, which almost seems like a coping mechanism at times, much like how much alcohol he drinks. There is even a literal fandom wiki page about how many times he drinks. Dean was also the one who fed Sam when John was away, and based on how Dean acts, it is assumed that he would give more food to Sam. Dean didn't have much food growing up, so now, as an adult, he overindulges. Sam, on the other hand, eats less unhealthy food because he was constantly eating a lot of it growing up. It also shows how, through their eating habits, their view on life differs. Dean eats like today will be his last, while Sam eats thinking about the future. That is an interesting difference between the two brothers because even something as simple as food can reflect how differently they approach life.

Dean's self-worth combines with his fear of failure and the weight of how many people he and Sam did not save, including their parents. John was literally such a bad father figure that when Azazel possessed him, Dean knew it wasn't John because the demon was nicer. Dean's trauma affects him in a more emotional and avoidant way and becomes part of his personality because he rarely lets others in on his emotional state. Sam, on the other hand, tends to deal with his trauma more in a mental and physical sense.

    

        Sam Winchester: The man searching for an identity

Although Sam has a very tense life, he did not have to raise himself and another person, unlike Dean. Sam struggled more with the idea of himself as a child because he was always treated like the black sheep of the family. He stood up to his own father while the brother he loved, who loved him back, stayed quiet. Sam lost his mother the same night he was given demon blood, which made him feel unclean. He later lost his girlfriend Jess and found out that some of his friends in college were demons. He tends to be hypervigilant and has a hard time trusting people because of Ruby, Azazel, and Lucifer. Sam tends to see Lucifer, and it haunts him so much, especially when he is in the psych ward. He tends to try to be a mediator, but after so many times of being around someone he couldn't trust, he became more hesitant to trust and needs a little more proof. He has more of a "walking slowly toward a scared dog" kind of approach with people. He doesn't necessarily assume someone is dangerous, but he doesn't immediately trust them either. He needs to see that they are safe.

He just wanted a normal life. While Dean gave up on that dream a long time ago, Sam tried to go to Stanford for pre-law. Sam knew another monster as a child, a girl named Amy, just so he could have a friend. He wanted normalcy so badly that he even allowed himself to get bullied, even though he was more than capable of standing up for himself. I think part of this stems from always wanting his parents to be more present in his life. He was treated like the black sheep as a child, from the way John's journals write about him and later when Dean finds out he is of demon blood.

Never Having His Own Choices

Sam was the most doomed from the start and never had a choice. He was an infant forced to drink blood to become a later vessel. He prayed to a Heaven that called him unclean, and just when the angel Castiel meets him, he is not Sam or the hunter, but the boy with the demon blood. Already, his status has been determined without letting him have the chance to prove himself. I believe his form of attachment is more about wanting praise or approval because he never felt he was enough in his house. He was always the smartest but was only acknowledged at times. He always had to prove his worth to John, and he had to have control of things in his own way. He doesn't like when others use his stuff, such as when Dean is trying to use the public computer or when he has his laptop. He likes his research the way it is, and I think that's because he is trying to claim something as his own.

He doesn't own his body. He has his own autonomy gets taken away several times throughout the show. Whether it is Meg, Ruby, Lucifer, Azazel, or Becky, he has his choices taken from him. It breaks him each time, whether it is through being vulnerable emotionally or being terrified of the lack of control over his own body. I think, too, this is why we rarely see him get a haircut, although this is more speculation and more in the realm of a headcanon. I would believe he doesn't cut his hair because he has control over that as well.

Another thing I saw that they both struggle with is the fear of turning bad in some way. Sam is afraid of becoming what Lucifer or Azazel wanted and of becoming a demon blood junkie. Dean, on the other hand, fears becoming angry with the Mark of Cain, becoming like John, becoming Michael's vessel, or being possessed by a demon and attacking Sam in the bunker. Sam struggles with Lucifer telling him there is no escape. Sam even offers his life, saying that it won't happen if he doesn't live, which Lucifer informs him will not matter because he will just bring him back.

Even in death, Sam doesn't get a choice.

Dean, on the other hand, might have unregulated emotions, but he is scared to become violent and dangerous to those he loves. An example would be when he is turning into a vampire and abandons Ben and Lisa just so they aren't hurt, or in the episode where he makes Cas think they got in an accident instead of telling him that Lisa was possessed. Both of them have issues with not having a choice in their situations. But their fears are slightly different. Sam fears what he might become. Dean fears what he might do.

          Identity and Abandonment 

Dean struggles with the consideration that people care about him.

He knows Sam loves him, obviously, but even when they have rocky patches, such as when Sam didn't look for him or when they argued about their parents, he acts like he was abandoned. Although these two bicker more than an old couple, they still, deep down, will do anything for each other. Dean feels as if he will not be chosen, and that is very apparent when he feels like he is second when Sam gets attached to Ruby in an unhealthy manner.

Sam, on the other hand, struggles with self-identity and who Sam is underneath. When he was soulless, he was cold, calculated, more to the point, and selfish, and that made him the ideal hunter. If we look at Sam before and after being with Ruby, we see that he questions if he really was just Sam, if he was a monster, if he was the boy with the demon blood that angels spoke about, and if he would just be another player in the messed-up story Chuck wrote.

Both Winchesters seek the same thing from different sides of the coin.

Sam wants to have freedom over his own body, life, and happiness. We see in a childhood flashback with his teacher, Mr. Wyatt, that he tells Sam: "There may be three or four big choices that shape someone's whole life, and you need to be the one that makes them, not anyone else... just live the life you want to live."This sticks with Sam because he really never had a choice because of hunting, and even more so because he was an infant who was fed blood. This conversation meant so much because someone outside of his family finally told him he could have control over his own life. I would like to believe he used that idea when deciding to leave for Stanford.

Dean, on the other hand, tends to seek belonging, but not in the same sense as Sam does. As I mentioned, even in death, Sam doesn't get a choice, whether it be with Dean bringing him back and making a deal or Lucifer taking that choice away. Dean wants to be what his dad wanted. He knew when his death was imminent and knew that John would have scolded him for wasting a bullet. That is an example alone of his fear of failing, showing that his first instinct wasn't panic; it was to fight. A demon showed more affection and love to Dean than John ever did, and that speaks for itself. Dean wanted to prove to his father that he was a good son. He wanted to show that maybe, if he listened and followed his dad, he would be enough for John.

This goes into my topic of abandonment. Dean struggles with being abandoned and tries to abandon people first or build an emotional wall with humor. He has a few serious relationships, such as Cassie and Lisa, but even then, he shuts them out. He believes he can shut people out before they can shut him out and tends to cope with humor, alcohol, and sex. He made a dating profile with the name "Impala 67," which he even notes he is rolling through and has no strings. He is aware of his own patterns but finds comfort in them instead of wanting to change them.

Sam, on the other hand, has a fear of losing the autonomy of his body. He has been possessed by Meg, not been given the ability to die when he wants, dealt with demon blood addiction because of Ruby, had demon blood in his system since infancy, experienced the many weird moments with Becky, such as her messing with his drink, been mocked by Lucifer mentally through hallucinations, been given a forced destiny, and feared becoming a meat suit for Lucifer. He even mentions that he prays every night, and while Dean is less of a believer in faith, even Sam isn't chosen by Heaven. The angels talk about Sam as if he were the devil, even though he is just a man who was given a bad destiny. He seems to cope through reassurance from his brother, getting into cases, or simply searching. He seems to take in more help than Dean and isn't seen coping with unhealthy coping skills as much, but he still needs help. He seems as if he wants to change and become better.

 The Codependent Duo

The two men are told they have a dangerous codependency on each other when they go into the psych ward together. Whenever Sam falls, Dean is there to pick up the pieces, while Sam seems to be upset and tries to make it up to Dean or make him proud, along with Bobby. When Bobby told him to lose his number, he looked crushed because he felt abandoned again. Then there is the voicemail that wasn't real, where Dean tells Sam that he is a monster. When Sam was in the Cage, he hoped Dean would help, and when Dean was in Hell for 40 years, he hoped to see his brother again.

 In the episode with the psych ward, we see their personalities shift, and I think it shows their personalities well. Sam becomes more hostile and punches the air, while Dean becomes more paranoid, hears and sees things, and becomes more scared. Dean breaks down, while Sam is only wound up because he has built up so much over the years. Dean finally lets go of some of his walls, and it shows him as more vulnerable. Their relationship is both the thing that holds them together throughout the chaos, but it also holds many wounds of the past and keeps them in a loop of lies and sometimes pain.

Conclusion

In conclusion, Sam and Dean are in a loop of pain because of their childhood, which has made them unstable adults. Sam has a fear of losing control over his body and tends to want to prove a point. Dean fears abandonment because of losing his loved ones and rejection from his own father. Sam is more emotionally understanding and wants to be independent and heal. Dean wants to be more codependent and wants his brother to be there for him. They both want something from each other, but they approach it from different sides. Sam wants freedom. Dean wants belonging. And perhaps that is what makes their relationship so complicated. They are both trying to heal wounds that were created long before they were old enough to understand them, while also becoming the person the other brother needs. Their relationship is what keeps them together, but it is also what keeps them trapped in the same cycle.